These days occur

I'm back! Both literally and... literally. I've been away on holiday in India, and one thing I want to get back into now I'm home is this poor neglected blog. So I'm back, back home :)

So, story and pictures time. Bear with me on this. It gets better, as they say. 

Years ago, many now thank goodness, I was struck with a depression so deep I never actually thought I would claw my way out. And though I was never suicidal, I would so often wish just to... not exist. I just wanted to fade away, to no longer feel the sadness I thought would never end. It may seem selfish to wish away a life, but that's depression for you, the fucker. It doesn't think like that. It seeks to destroy, not appreciate. I didn't care that life was valuable, worthy, precious. I just wanted it gone.

Nowadays, there are still some days that I think back on those times. But not sad days, happy ones. I look back and think that if that had happened this day could have never occurred. And it seems so crazy, and hopeful and amazing. That I am a person having such a day, when once I wanted all days to end. It's the most beautiful thing, to be so grateful and happy. And alive.

My afternoon at the "Beatles Ashram" was one of these days. It's such a surreal and lovely place, so peaceful and rich with strange history. As I sat with my new friends, letting the sound of the music and the sun wash over me, I realised "This day could have never occurred". And suddenly the day felt more like a miracle than a moment in time.  This day could have never occurred. How sad, and how wonderful. 

The thing is, there are so many days that could never have occurred. Not because of death, but because of fear, of shyness, of whatever, whatever holds you back. Because you didn't take that chance to do something new, didn't tell someone how you felt, weren't paying attention, didn't say yes. I think of the things I did to make that day exist; got on a plane, smiled at a stranger, asked a new friend to join me on an adventure. How close I could have been to doing none of those things, how scary each one was, in their own way. But I did them and this day occurred. There's the miracle, right there. These days occur. 

"Beatle's Ashram", Rishikesh:

xx

How To Be Alone

"Lonely is a freedom that breathes easy and weightless, and lonely is healing if you make it.

Just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it.

If you have an art that needs practice, stop neglecting it.

There is heat in freezing, be a testament."

This amazing video by filmaker Andrea Dorfman, and poet/ singer/ songwriter Tanya Davis pretty much makes me tear up every time I watch it! I'm an only child so I don't need any lessons in being alone... but it reminds me why I still love a bit of "me" time every so often*.. "Cause if you’re happy in your head, then solitude is blessed"

* okay, quite often!

xx

Haunted

"One need not be a chamber to be haunted;
One need not be a house;
The brain has corridors surpassing
Material place."

Emily Dickinson

(Possibly) haunted houses via 100 Abandoned Houses.

xx

Devastated!

Just got back from Sri Lanka. Which wasn't devastating... in fact it was beautiful, inspiring, amazing and well... as many superlatives you can squish into a run on sentence. I took my new Diana Lomo camera along to record the many wonderful sights I saw and memories I made... which unfortunately was a HUGE mistake... all the photos were ruined due to a light leak. Like, every single one. I'm so disappointed! Luckily I backed many of them up by digital, but there are a few things I lost any record of completely... and who knows when the next time I'm going to have a baby crocodile on my head is going to happen again!

Anyways, as I was walking home (I may or may not have been crying... yeah, okay... I was) I started thinking... and realised maybe losing those photos wasn't such a big deal as in that moment it did seem. After all... they were just images, capturing sight alone. They wouldn't show the prayers that drifted softly through the air from speakers, mingling with the bread truck blaring out "It's a small world" and competing with the tinny sounds of bollywood tunes, or Michael Jackson or, in one case, classical piano coming from the windows of the homes I passed. Or the cheerful greetings of "good morning"(in the case of adults) or "bon bon?" (in the case of children) which followed me wherever I went. Nor would they show the smells of cooking, fire, jungle, tuk-tuk fumes, incense, jasmine intermingling in the air... or the feeling of a tropical morning ripe with the potential of another sunny day... the warmth on my skin, making everything I had ever known seem so far away. Those photos wouldn't have captured the taste of a fresh king coconut, purchased to conquer the heat, and for the novelty of guzzling straight from the husk... or the sensation of the warm afternoon rain clinging to my clothes, the itchy bites, the feeling of the gravel of an unknown lane underneath my feet.

Or the freedom and beauty of feeling in love with a place, and a time in life.

There's a lot looking at those photos wouldn't tell you. But a lot that I could.

And suddenly, I'm not so devastated after all.

xx

Jolie Holland

Mexican Blue... my sunday evening lullaby of choice. Sleep tight.

xx

Is it too late to get all "resolution-y"?

Hope not, because I've been wanting to re-post these beautiful resolutions from the pages of one of my favourite blogs, Roxy Marj. As well as being an incredibly talented craftsperson and illustrator...


... Roxy Marj also shared these wonderful resolutions at the beginning of 2010, which I've taken the liberty of stealing for myself also! I'm sure she wouldn't mind if you take on a few of these too... I'm pretty sure if everyone did it would make the world a much lovelier place ;)

Handbook 2010:

Health:
1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy.
5. Make time to pray.
6. Play more games.
7. Read more books than you did in 2009.
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minute walk daily. And while you walk, smile!

Personality :
11. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control... Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13. Don't over do. Keep your limits.
14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake.
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree...

Society:
25. Call your family often.
26. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything.
28. Spend time w/ people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6.
29. Try to make at least 3 people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business.
31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick, Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:
32. Do the right thing!
33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
34. God heals everything.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
37. The best is yet to come....
38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank God for it.
39. Your inner most is always happy. So, be happy.
40. [my own added thought] >>> Be kinder to everyone, especially yourself!

I love them all... but think I like #12, #16 and #22 the very, very best... what about you?

Wishing you lots of #23 for 2010...

xx

ps. Roxy Marj has an etsy shop! Go have a wee look!

The Calm AFTER the Storm

I wanted an image to sum up this new feeling and I knew that the wonderful notebookdoodles would provide. Go and have a look at all the beautiful pictures this talented girl has made!

I haven't said much about it on the blog, as I didn't want to be a bummer, but my living situation lately has been... less than ideal. In fact, I would probably describe it as "downright miserable" to be perfectly honest!

Which is why it was so nice to wake up this morning in a new room, with a new view, and the new spring sunshine streaming through my new window (well... window DOORS!!!)

And best of all... a newfound knowledge that this too has passed and I have weathered the storm. Now I can enjoy the sunshine afterwards....

and...


I can't wait!!! :)

xx

Synecdoche, NY

"Everything is more complicated than you think. You only see a tenth of what is true. There are a million little strings attached to every choice you make; you can destroy your life every time you choose. But maybe you won't know for twenty years. And you'll never ever trace it to its source. And you only get one chance to play it out. Just try and figure out your own divorce. And they say there is no fate, but there is: it's what you create"